It’s pretty standard stuff. I detox Monday-Friday, with red wine on the list of prescribed substances, and blowout on weekends. I lament wasting money, then arrive home brandishing another top/pair of shoes/accessory I ‘really needed’. I get upset when others show a lack of tolerance, but would offend the ears of a sailor with my colourful driving commentary.
It’s classic Gemini make up really… when I'm good I'm very good, and when I'm bad I'm terrible.
But I’m starting to worry whether I will ever actually commit to something. You see I’m also a chronic mind-changer. I either really love something, or really loathe it and will fluctuate between the two at the drop of a hat. My love life is no different. In fact my friends have a standard question which is inevitably asked when I start seeing someone new... “Has he walked the plank yet?”
It happens instantaneously… and sometimes so fast that I even surprise myself. One minute I'll be sitting happily on a dinner or drinks date thinking oh he’s cute/smart/funny/great bum in jeans, and then uh-oh. A strange laugh, opinion or gesture… and the poor guy topples overboard.
One friend recently suggested speed dating as a potential solution to this problem. You know, to weed out the guys with high plankability. Not interested? Looking for the exit? No worries just wait for the bell and then, ‘Oh sorry Tom/Harry/Dick (usually the latter) what a shame our time is up…'
But even with speed dating, it’s a fine line isn’t it?
There’s the expectation that you should pick someone simply because you're in a room full of singles looking for a date / one night stand / future spouse. Or you might hit it off with someone who appears funny and interesting - but you might also have met a good actor, whose high level plankability is hidden behind well-rehearsed and delivered responses.
Another friend has tried to convince me that internet dating isn’t as bad (in theory) as the stalker/teacher/student affairs we see in the news. What better way than to screen the profiles of potential suitors online, with the power to cut them off if they - and I quote – ‘get weird’. Because at least you don’t have to ever meet them, right?
So I thought it was timely that Channel Nine aired the old stolen identity/stalking drama The Net last week and advised my friend to watch it. (Not that she needs to worry, her man is so well-trained he could cook Julie from MasterChef into oblivion and actually volunteers to make her races head-wear… while remaining plenty big and manly of course).
Perhaps there is another more sensible, mid-level dating option.
Multiple choice dating.
You could start by running through each others vitals – name, age, occupation, favourite pizza topping, Anchorman quote etc. Then jump into finding out what really makes the person tick (think Cosmo quiz, but broader and much more insightful). For example:
Question 1. How often are you inclined to talk about your ex-girlfriends?
a). Daily
b). Weekly
c). Monthly
d). Never
Question 2. We have a disagreement, are you most likely to;
a). Say nothing
b). Call me names
c). Buy me flowers
d). Want to talk about it
Question 3. Your mother is in town, are you most likely to;
a). Take her out for the day
b). Take us both out for the day
c). Make me take her shopping while you go to the football
d). Sleep in her bed
SPLASH!
Wouldn’t it be great to know all of this up front? The questions would go both ways of course, as I’m not suggesting for a minute that girls are beyond reproach. There is an abundance of nutty chicks out there, just as there are plenty of wankers - and let’s face it - you’re always a wanker to someone. It’s simply a matter of finding the right fit. Someone whose values and likes align with your own.
Yes. I think Multiple Choice Dating would save people a lot of time, legal fees and therapy.
But I reserve the right to change my mind.
Now... I'm not really a 'dater' as such (and you're about to see why) but there have been a few little gems which I have filed away, to one day share with the world. I hope they prove helpful for male readers.
When on a date...
1. Don’t talk about my eyes, I know they are nice
2. Don’t talk to my boobs, I know they are very nice
3. Saying ‘I could fall in love with you’ on the first date is a little forward
4. When asked what you do for a living - ‘ding!ding!’ is not an acceptable answer. (Being a tram driver is an admirable profession but the audible clue was weird/misleading).
5. If I tell you there is no spark, the wrong answer is ‘then let’s go spark hunting’
6. Telling me that you might get back with your ex-girlfriend on our first date is a real conversation killer
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